1. Introduction
There are many heart-warming synonyms for “nice”, such as generous, benevolent, and compassionate. But when I reflect back on why I feel the need to be too nice, these words take a sudden turn, like I’ve rationalized my “niceness” even though the person I’m being nice to doesn’t deserve it.
Are you too nice to someone even though you shouldn’t be? If you’re like me, you rationalize your actions by saying, “But I want to be nice! Am I just naive for wanting to be a nice person?”
“What if I like the feeling of making someone feel valued, like their opinion matters?”
“What if someone is just having a hard day and needs a bit of understanding and compassion?”
But can you go too far to be nice?
2. Are you the peacemaker in your circle of friends or family?
If a person’s feathers are ruffled by an offending remark or action, you feel the need to smooth things over to keep the peace. If everyone just behaves themselves, we can avoid conflict and live peaceably.
You’re the type of person who hates it when someone is upset. To make this person feel better, you start acting very nice to them. You bite back any words that might make them more upset, tip-toeing around them and being accommodating, catering to their needs and wishes.
Often, you’ll describe yourself as the peacemaker in your circle of friends or family. You’re the one who will make things right when things feel unbalanced, resolving conflicts so that everyone feels happy again.
But these actions come at a cost.
3. Do you have trouble being assertive?
Most of the time, you’re nice because you’re not assertive and it’s easy to take advantage of a nice person. This is the cost of being nice. You’re easily labelled as a pushover, giving everyone the impression that it’s okay to take advantage of you.
You’re faced with a dilemma. How do you be assertive without offending this person? Sometimes you can’t think of a way to do this, so you back down and let them have it their way.
But you’re going to be stepped on if you keep this up!
4. Are you too nice because of guilt?
Feeling responsible for how people feel is sometimes the result of guilt. You know, the feelings of being ashamed, guilt-ridden, and conscience-stricken. You’d do anything to avoid feeling this way because it’s uncomfortable, like having a heavy weight on your conscience.
Guilt can make you go out of your way to be nice to someone, putting their needs above yours. But you shouldn’t have to. To get rid of feelings of guilt, be more compassionate to yourself. You like to be understanding, so turn around those actions to yourself. You’re nice to others, and that should include yourself, too. What would happen if you were nicer to yourself?
5. How can you stop being too nice?
We’ve all heard that we should treat someone the way you want to be treated. But what happens when you’re the only person to stick to this rule while other people disregard your own feelings? After a while, you’ll start to feel resentful and bitter. So put your foot down and say you’ve had enough. There’s no amount of compassion that will fix your relationship with this person. Let yourself be selfish for once!
Good for you for recognizing that you are too nice. First of all, to stop being too nice, practice saying no. Some people don’t know how to. It’s tough to say no when others guilt-trip you. But shut-off those voices until they’re background noise. You are not obligated to go out of your way to be nice. It’s like trying to be helpful even though this person won’t be helpful in return. You end up being short-changed in every interaction you have with this person.
6. Conclusion
Being too nice is a disservice to yourself. If you’re too nice, turn it around and instead of being too nice to others, be nice to yourself. Once you stand up for yourself and let others know that you won’t be pushed around, their opinions about you will change. They’ll know that you won’t be taken advantage of. Practicing self-compassion is also another step you can take to feel less guilty, because guilt is a large part of your motivation to be too nice to others.